Claplist 3 – Apple
I’ve been pulling my hair out over Apple’s shenanigans for at least the last 10 years…
Today I want to highlight the general stupidity that sums this company up in just a single story, and as many as I have that are similar, this one really takes the cake…
Yesterday I purchased (for around £1,000), an iPad Pro 10.5″ and various accessories including a pencil, which by itself was over £100.
I’ll be the first to admit that the Apple iPad LOOKS PRETTY COOL (as do many of Apple’s devices), but you can’t polish a turd, and unfortunately for all the shiny beautiful light that bounces off it in every direction, the iPad is ultimately still just a piece of useless fucking shit.
I’d like to get my money back or sue someone, but sadly I do need the iPad because clients of mine who also have iPads are beginning to complain that my company is building things that are incompatible with their inferior technology. One could almost see this as being forced by Apple. I wonder whether I could legally show that my business would lose profit if I had not done this… anyway I’ll think about that another time.
Upon the purchase of my iPad “Pro” (whatever the fuck that means), I proceeded to register my iCloud account with my normal email, email@example.com, which also has various other Apple devices attached to it. This email address is hosted by Google (another valuable member of my Claplist), so it was quite surprising when I was unable to add my G Suite account to my iPad. Assuming something was wrong, I tried to call Apple support, where a kind machine explained that it was out of hours at 7pm, but that I may be entitled to an out of hours service and I should firstly give my serial number to find out whether that be the case.
I eagerly gave my serial number and thankfully it was read back to me – slower, and in phonetics. “Was that M… for Mike… A…. for Apple, C… for you stupid C..” – yes, it was, thank you for wasting 10 minutes of my life that I will never see again. I could have reached the conclusion of “sorry, that device doesn’t have an out of hours service associated with it”, by myself.
Anyway, I eventually figured out that the reason I couldn’t add G Suite was because I couldn’t have both my Apple ID with iCloud as firstname.lastname@example.org as well as then use email@example.com for a separate G Suite account – apparently those two being completely different things is entirely one and the same to a company that employs full time “Geniuses”.
So I set up an iCloud account… I followed all the instructions very precisely and most probably overlooked the part that said “your icloud.com account is an alias of your externally-hosted Apple ID”, and alas I fell into the trap. I had firstname.lastname@example.org, which I could not set as my Apple ID to replace email@example.com because the fucking thing was just an alias, and apparently Apple could not convert it to a standard account. That most probably goes beyond the technical capacity of a Genius Apple developer.
After all this horseplay, I had nominated a brand new dedicated Gmail.com account to become my Apple ID, and magically, after that, I was able to add my G Suite account to my overpriced contraption!!
Does the fun stop here? Does it fuck. I apparently need to sign in to multiple Apple services again because it doesn’t recognise that I have just changed my Apple ID despite signing in again once already after the initial update. Let’s assume that anything starting with an ‘i’ in your iPad is probably not connected and will require a separate login from now on. Bear in mind too that a password must contain various upper and lower case letters, symbols and numbers, or it is simply not good enough. In the future I anticipate that this should also include basic equations and various nursery rhymes, just so you can sit there even longer to type it in.
Overall, I have wasted so much time on Apple’s useless, illogical (but borderline beautiful) turds, that I could have probably built my own iAnything from scratch.
So well done Apple, I applaud your idiocy, your lack of care for the fundamental principals of logic, your flawless greed to trap consumers and your very own definition of stupidity. You are by far the most conclusive evidence supporting the notion of an intelligence bell curve in the history of the digital era. I don’t necessarily agree that you shouldn’t profit off other people’s naivety but at the very least if you can afford not to piss off smarter people than those who work for you, you probably should do just that.